Sheffield Domestic Abuse Forum: Help and Advice

Domestic abuse is about power and control, and can involve physical, emotional, sexual and financial abuse as well as forced marriage and honour-based violence. It is rarely a one-off event and tends to get worse over time.

If you are experiencing abuse you may feel frightened, humiliated and isolated. You are not to blame and you are not alone. If you would like advice, information, somewhere safe to stay, or simply want someone to listen, you can ring one of the services in the contact list.

Domestic abuse is very common, and can happen to anyone regardless of age, class, culture, disability or lifestyle. It is usually men who use domestic abuse to dominate and control close family members, but men also experience abuse and women can be abusers, in gay and straight relationships. Where there are children or young people in the household, they will always be affected by living with domestic abuse, even if they are not being abused directly themselves.

Although we talk here of men as 'perpetrators' and women and children as those affected by domestic abuse, the information should be useful for any situation where someone is abusing their position of power over someone else in their family or household. Some of the agencies listed on our website, like Victim Support, also provide services to men affected by domestic abuse.'

THE FIRST THING to come to terms with is recognising and naming the abuse, and putting the blame where it belongs: victims of abuse often find it difficult to acknowledge how serious their experiences are, especially if the abuse has gradually become worse over time. This is a form of defence that we use in order to cope. It is not easy to accept that someone we have loved and trusted can behave in an uncaring or abusive way towards us.

Because we cannot explain the behaviour, we assume it must be our fault. Even though you may find it difficult to accept that you are not responsible for your partner's behaviour, it may help to know that supporting agencies will not blame you. Everyone has the right to live their life free from fear and abuse.

It is the abuser that needs to change and change involves more than stopping being violent - it also means giving up the other forms of control they may use: threats, humiliation, controlling you through money, deciding what you can and can't do or how you should dress or look.

THE NEXT STEP is to seek help and support to tackle the problem in your own way. Women have successfully used different ways of getting men to stop the abuse, like threatening to leave, sometimes going to a women's refuge for a breathing space, or persuading their partner to have counselling, but others have used the same ways and the man's behaviour has not changed, or has got worse.

Each woman's situation is different, and you will have a lot to consider in your own situation - some of the groups listed at the end of this booklet can offer you help and advice to talk through your options.

Most women begin to feel more in control when they start to think about ways of changing their situation, whether that involves going to stay with friends or relatives, taking out an injunction to have their partner excluded from the home, finding refuge at a confidential address to escape, or whatever feels right at that time. For some women and children the only way to feel safe is to move towns completely and start a new life, and Women's Aid have a national network of refuges to support them.

You may have strong reasons for not leaving at this time, and can still get support and confidential advice about your options through the services listed later, like the women's refuges and community based domestic abuse projects, Victim Support or Samaritans, and some GP practices have counsellors. However, it is still worth spending some time thinking (and where appropriate talking with your children) about a 'safety plan' in case things get more dangerous.

SAFETY PLANNING - if you are worried that you may have to leave in a hurry, you could put important documents in a safe place where you can get at them easily, for example:

You could consider keeping these things in a bag somewhere in the house, or with a neighbour or friend, who you trust to tell about your safety plan, and about any 'code words' or signals that you might use when you need them to ring the police on your behalf if things get dangerous. You could also store emergency phone numbers in your own, or your child's, mobile phone.

If you are likely to go to a women's refuge or temporary accommodation, try to take changes of clothes, sleepwear, towels and toiletries, and any favourite toys, but the important thing is to be safe, and many women and children do leave with just the clothes they are wearing at the time.

Women often leave more than once, and return to their partners hoping for an improvement in the relationship, or because of financial and social pressures, then find they have to leave again. Do not be afraid to seek help whenever you need it - women leave, or take out injunctions, many times before being able to make a final break. The police and other agencies are much more aware now that leaving domestic abuse is a very difficult process, and that the point of leaving can be the most dangerous time.

Fear about finding suitable accommodation is one of the main reasons why some women are reluctant to leave abusive partners. There are several routes towards rehousing. Sheffield , like most local authorities, has a policy of rehousing women fleeing violence, whether or not they are council tenants.

If you have already left home, and have nowhere to stay that night , you can go to First Point at Howden House during the hours listed at the back of this booklet. The law makes the Council responsible for rehousing women experiencing abuse (this includes sexual abuse and mental cruelty), regardless of whether you are already a council tenant, and Sheffield 's policy clearly states this.

You will be seen by a Customer Service Adviser (and should be given the option of seeing a woman), who will make arrangements for placing you in interim accommodation if you need it, while your case is being 'investigated' by a Homeless Officer. The interim accommodation will either be a women's refuge or hostel, or if no places are available, furnished accommodation or bed and breakfast. Rehousing can take from 2 weeks to several months. During this time no information about your whereabouts will be given to anyone else. The Homeless Officer may be able to help you with furniture removals within Sheffield , if you are on Income Support.

If you are already a council tenant, you may be awarded priority for rehousing if you are suffering domestic abuse, or the threat of abuse, even if you are not living with your abuser. You can be rehoused without having to leave home first, but you need to contact your local Housing Area Office to be assessed for this priority. You can be contacted at an address arranged between you and the Housing Officer - no mail needs to go to the house you are leaving.

Properties are now allocated through a new 'Choice Based Lettings' system. All vacant properties are advertised each Friday in the Sheffield Telegraph, the Area Housing Offices, and the Property Shop opposite Howden House on Union Street . You will need to use your priority to bid for any properties you are interested in, via your Area Office or the Property Shop. If you want more information about Choice Based Lettings, ring the Property Shop on 272 5363.

You may prefer to contact a women's refuge or hostel directly, without being referred from Howden House or another agency. These are houses which provide safe, temporary accommodation in a secure, supportive environment. Once there, you have time to decide what you want to do next. The women workers will be able to advise you on benefits, housing, legal matters etc. They will be able to talk to you about what you have experienced and help you to think through the options to change your situation. The refuges also have specialist workers to support your children while they are living there. Again your ex-partner will not be told of your whereabouts, and information you give will be treated in confidence.

If you do not feel safe staying in Sheffield , the women's refuges may be able to find you a place in a refuge in another city. Alternatively, if you are a resident of Sheffield , the Homeless Section can refer you to another local authority. You can also approach another local authority yourself.

Women who have lived with domestic abuse may experience depression, anxiety and other mental health problems, as well as physical injuries, illnesses, and sometimes permanent impairment, and complications in pregnancy or child birth. Children also develop physical illnesses, emotional and behavioural problems as a result of the abuse they witness or experience.

It is important not to be afraid to tell health workers, such as your Health Visitor or GP, what the real cause of your injuries or worries are. This will enable them to give you the help and support you need. It is also important so that medical records can be kept which are confidential, but may be used as evidence in a court case later.

If you have children under five, you can talk to your Health Visitor about what is happening. If you are pregnant you can confide in your midwife ~ you are entitled to see the midwife by yourself.

If you require emergency medical treatment, dial 999, and ask for the ambulance service, or attend the Accident & Emergency Department at Northern General Hospital , or NHS Walk In Centre at the Hallamshire. Again, it is important to tell the real cause of your injuries so that support can be offered, and medical records kept.

You can be referred to a counsellor by your doctor if you wish. If you find your doctor unsympathetic, try one of the others in the practice.

You may feel you are using alcohol or drugs more than you otherwise would, in an attempt to cope. This can bring its own problems, and you can contact the local alcohol/ drugs projects for confidential support. Again, tell them about the abuse you are experiencing, so that they can help to provide the support you need to change your situation.

If you are experiencing domestic abuse, you can always phone the Police for help. In an emergency, the fastest way is to dial '999'. South Yorkshire Police take domestic abuse very seriously.

The Police are required to treat cases of assault in the home the same as assaults which happen in the street. The person harassing or causing you harm may be arrested, and you will usually be asked to give a written statement to the Police about what has happened, and then asked to go to court in the future, if there is enough evidence to support a criminal prosecution.

If you decide that you do not want further action taken, the Police will still provide support and information about other services.

To support women who are experiencing domestic abuse, the Police will make all efforts to:

Arrange medical assistance if you need it

Speak to you in a room away from the person who has caused you harm

Arrange transport (if the need is urgent and they have the resources)

Provide a female officer to talk to you, wherever possible

Accompany you back to your home, if you left, to collect your personal belongings

Put you in touch with other agencies who can provide help with counselling and support

Act positively and professionally to you at all times giving compassionate and constructive advice

Provide follow-up support and advice from a specialist Domestic Violence Officer. They work in plain clothes, and can support you through any prosecution process, and work closely with other agencies to support you.

Money can be a big worry for women affected by domestic abuse. The local Jobcentre Plus office is the place to contact. In most cases it is not necessary for you to call in. Advice can be given over the telephone by contacting the Benefits Advisors at each Sheffield Office (see numbers later) .

Most claims are now made over the phone. Jobcentre Plus offers a completely confidential service, and a woman can claim benefit even if her partner was claiming for her before. Jobcentre Plus can also advise you about the money you may be entitled to in the future even if you do not want to leave at the moment. Ringing to talk to someone does not mean you have to claim. Working is not necessarily a barrier to benefits, and neither is staying at home to look after children under 16 if you have any.

The CHILD SUPPORT AGENCY has been set up to deal with maintenance payments to people with children, whether you receive Benefit or not. You may receive a form through the post from them asking for details of your ex-partner. If you have experienced domestic abuse, explain this clearly on the form. You will probably then be asked to attend an interview, when you may take a friend or advisor with you, and your word should be accepted.

Remember all conversations with Jobcentre Plus are treated in the strictest confidence. The numbers to contact are shown later.

If you are married, have lived or are living with, are related to, or have children with your abuser, you can apply to the court for an injunction against him. This is an order of the court, which instructs someone to do (or not to do) certain things. For example, it can stop him:

In certain circumstances, you can also apply for an order to remove him from the house, and to keep him away from it. You can also apply for the order to have a 'power of arrest' attached, so that if he breaches it he can be arrested. If you do not live together you can still ask the court for an injunction to stop him assaulting you, trespassing on your property or causing a nuisance. Injunctions usually last for 3-6 months, but can sometimes be extended.

To get help and advice about injunctions and legal issues, contact the Sheffield Solicitors Injunction Group (see later), who provide an efficient and sympathetic service to people seeking injunctions. Several solicitors offer free advice on the first visit. If you are in receipt of Income Support or Job-Seeker's Allowance, or if you are on a low income, you may be entitled to 'Public Funding' (the new name for Legal Aid). Your solicitor will advise you about this at the first meeting.

If you think your immigration status might be affected if you leave your husband, you should ask the Law Centre or your local advice centre for advice.

If your partner is successfully prosecuted, you may be able to ask for compensation to be paid to you by him when he is convicted.

You can also claim from the Criminal Injuries Compensation Agency, if you have reported the incident to the Police and are no longer living with your abusive partner. Several organisations will help you to claim free of charge, e.g. Victim Support, and Advice Centres.

Women do have legal rights in relation to their children, despite what they may have been told. Men often threaten women that if they leave, or tell anyone about the abuse, their children will be taken away from them. In reality, this only happens very rarely, where a mother is clearly unable to care for her children at that time.

If you decide to leave home, and you want the children to continue to live with you, it is better to take them with you than to plan to come back for them. If the children's father or family snatches them at any time you should immediately speak to a solicitor. If you are concerned about your rights to your children, seek legal advice from an Advice Centre or solicitor. They can advise you on issues like parental responsibility (PR), where children should live (Residence Orders), and who they have contact with (Contact Orders), changes of school, and other related problems.

Witnessing or experiencing violence at home will be very upsetting, and can also be damaging to children. They may show this in various ways, like bed wetting, nightmares, poor concentration or school performance, becoming clingy, refusing to do what you say, running away, becoming withdrawn or aggressive. How children respond to the experience may vary, but it will affect them in some way.

Children not only feel the tension and fear, and witness the violence to their mothers, but they may also be abused themselves. If you suspect that your child may have been abused, talk to your GP, or one of the support services listed, or contact Social Services directly (numbers listed later).

Your children will need help in understanding what is happening to you and to them, and to talk about it. They need to know that the tension and abuse is not their fault. They may feel angry with you for separating them from their father, or carer, or feel unable to express the feelings they still have towards him. It is usually best to tell children the truth, in language they will understand.

If you go to a women's refuge, the Children's Workers should be able to offer help with any problems in relation to your children at this difficult time.

For under 5's contact your Health Visitor, who can give advice and support, and put you in touch with others for the help most suited to your and your children's needs

For school age children, extra support can come from teaching staff, Child Protection Liaison Teacher, Learning Mentor, School Nurse, or from the Child & Adolescent Mental Health Services if appropriate. If you have any problems getting children accepted into new schools if you move to a new area, contact the Attendance & Inclusion Service

If things become serious, and your children are being 'significantly harmed' by what has been happening, ask for help from Social Services. A Social Worker will assess the situation and plan with you what should happen next.

For those women who decide to leave an abusive situation, actually leaving is only the first step. It may take a long time to recover, to feel safe and secure, and for you and your children to live free from the fear of abuse.

It can help to find someone you can talk to, like trusted relatives or close friends. However, this is not always enough. It may help to join a support group or to contact an organisation that offers counselling and support.

‘For a list of support services see the Contact List page and the Directory of Sheffield Services, which can be downloaded from the link at the top of that page. The agencies listed provide advice and support to women whether or not they have reached the point when they are able to, or have chosen to leave. The resources of these groups are limited, so although you may receive telephone support, you may not be able to see someone straight away, except in emergencies.’

Your first point of contact with nearly all the agencies listed below will probably be an English-only speaker. However, most of these agencies should be able to arrange an interpreter if you ask.